onlydoubts | open rp post

Bodhi falls into silence, for a moment - focusing on the tickle of Cassian's breath on the back of his neck that has a slow smile on his face, eyes closing briefly. Being accepted, asking for help -- that's all new for him.

But he can't say he's disappointed with the result. Late at night with only his doubts and second guesses, he would wonder if the others were just putting up with him because they had to. A line of thinking he's come to reject, but it still sometimes crept up -- now it's hard to give that thought much weight.

"I trust you." He mutters, turning his head back slightly to reiterate the point -- but he can't quite look all the way back without dislodging him and changing his mostly comfortable position, so he's looking back quickly. "Ha. I think we're good here, clothes on."

"Good," murmured Cassian. "Though if you're ever really freezing, it's the most effective…"

He stops himself from automatically going into pragmatic survival talk. It's only habit. Not his actual frame of mind.

He makes that point by sliding his cheek against Bodhi's as the other man had turned his head.

Setting a slow, deep rhythm for them both as he breathed.

"Any time you have trouble sleeping," said Cassian quietly. "I always do."

"I'll keep that in mind if we're ever stuck in extreme cold..." He mutters around another yawn. He doesn't mind the survival talk, and well -- considering the temperatures of their base it might come in handy to know someday ...

But the other things, the light touch of his cheek, stubble of his facial hair against his skin and own hair - and the light pattern of his breath that he finds himself instinctively following... are what Bodhi finds himself focusing on.

"I didn't know that, but... my door is open to you too, Cassian."

He meant to say Thank you. It came out more as, "Mmmhmmmph…" But so relaxed and contented a sound, and again the vibration against Bodhi's skin, the same meaning probably came across.

Cassian's breathing—gently tidal against Bodhi's back, counterbalancing the soft press of hands in front and arms around—has evened, deepened, slowed so much, he definitely seems to have dropped off to sleep.

…Though if he were talking in his sleep, it probably wouldn't be to belatedly murmur, "Reveille's gonna go off at oh-five-hundred. Sorry. You don't have to get up when it does."

[ooc: I can give Cas a nightmare in a bit to mix things up if you like ;-) ]

Edited 2017-10-01 22:06 (UTC)

[ ooc: DO IT c: ]

A small sleepy smile crosses his face as he feels Cassian begin to fall asleep against him, and Bodhi finds himself looking back carefully as not to disturb the other man before settling back against the pillows. So utterly warm, and content.

Who'd have guessed that his asking for help would've been so beneficial to them both?

His hands come to rest on the other man's own as his own breathing evens out further and he's finally able to close his eyes and keep them that way for the first time all night.

"G'night, Cass..."

Lapsing into the language of… somewhere (he's never mentioned anything about home planets or heritage) …Cassian murmured back, "Que duermas bien, Bodh…" Either inventing a nickname or one of them drifting off before the last syllable.

* * *

It wasn't reveille that disturbed their rest. It wasn't yet 0500.

It was a sudden spasm that seemed to pass through Cassian's whole body. With it came some inhuman sound from the back of his throat, and his arms tightening hard around Bodhi.

Then—still asleep? waking himself and horrified at so nearly hurting Bodhi…?—Cassian's arms abruptly withdrawing, and him turning over abruptly to put his face against the wall. Still shaking.

At first, Bodhi isn't sure what dragged him back into consciousness. The tightening grasp of the -- no, that wasn't right. He hadn't been having a nightmare. And while on some nights he'll wake from said nightmare heart racing, still reliving what had transpired in Saw Gerrera's lair, this isn't one of those times.

It's Cassian's room.

Blinking sleep from his eyes, sits up and finds the other man on his side, shaking. Concerned, he reaches out to pull him back to the present -- hesitating only briefly before laying his hand on his shoulder. "Cassian? Cassian, it's okay.. You're okay." He coaxed. "Can you look at me?"

Cassian's heart is pounding so hard, he can't believe it hasn't shaken down the bed.

he was fighting so hard, as hard as he could, more than was possible, and it wasn't that he might die if he stopped, what was terrifying was sensing he'd be unable to stop
but he had to save them, had to get to them
they'd gone through so much it would not end like this
his limbs weren't his own, he wasn't doing it, the universe was just thrashing against him and his hands struck it viciously back and again
the enemies seen and unseen battering and blazing before around beneath him
felt his blade push through flesh
his blaster puncture muscle
his bare fists shatter armor, bone
it felt like a speeder he was trapped inside unable to take control
himself, fighting

and suddenly he was standing there
in a circle of bodies
he'd killed all of them
stormtrooper helmets all cracked down the eye
from blade blaster or punch
they fell open like shells

and their faces were all of them
draven mothma
maddel shara bail
his recruits
his troops
rogue one
bodhi
kaytoo
jyn

with one eye gone glassy
and blood in their mouths
the other eye nothing but a blaster hole

He tried to answer Bodhi, but he was hyperventilating.

Cassian dug one hand into his hair, gripping tight enough to hurt, trying to use the feeling to pull himself back to now. Tried also to focus on the pressure of Bodhi's hand. Channel his breathing through that connected energy.

Bodhi can feel the trembling, and the pulse racing under his hand. He's been on the opposite end of where he is now, where Cassian is -- had enough panic attacks in the aftermath of a nightmare to recognize what's happening. Even still gets them.

He keeps his hand where it is, trying to anchor Cassian back to the present, to now, body angled to lay against him -- not enough to crowd, but enough that he'd be able to feel his breathing -- or could push him away, if he so chose to.

"Breathe, Cassian. It's not real. It was a nightmare.... you're safe."

Safe is relative, but he would stay here, as long as he was wanted.

Cassian's great at taking care of others. Especially through PTSD. One of the things that made him a good trainer and recruiter.

He's utter crap at taking care of himself. …For himself. For a mission he can keep it together. Ridiculously well for ridiculously long. On his own…

…but he's not on his own.

With Bodhi's warmth, his touch, his patience, his reminder, Cassian tries to talk himself down as if he were someone else.

Move it down. Don't have to slow the breathing. Just move it down. Chest to stomach. …Okay. Good.
Now listen to mine. Try to match it.

That bit wouldn't…

Without quite thinking, eyes still closed, Cassian's hand moved… crossing over himself in a way that turned him, almost to face Bodhi, and, actually fumbling, but gently, always, found Bodhi's chest, and spread to press his palm there.

Alive. It's okay. He's alive.

And there's a rhythm. Heart, lungs. Follow them.

With a will, Cassian's breathing started to deepen and slow. His head bent forward, face averted, almost into Bodhi's shoulder.

Being on the recieving end of the help, is less frightening. Or perhaps not, it's still terrifying. Watching someone else in the throws of panic is almost worse, though. He can only do his best and hope that's enough. Bodhi still feels his pulse spike as he lies there with Cassian, trying to help calm him down. He doesn't know all that the other man has endured -- any manner of dream or memory can set these things off.

So he waits, and when his hand presses against his chest, Bodhi gently places his own over it. Right here, Cassian.

It seemed to work, his breathing began to sound less erratic and shallow to him.

"... Cassian? You with me?"

Bodhi's hand pressing his own was the permission he needed. What the hell. Cassian let his forehead touch Bodhi's shoulder, and closed his eyes there.

"Are we on Hoth?" he murmured, through a mouth suddenly dry. "If yes… yes. If not…"

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AGES LATER

\o/

And MOOOOORE ages later!!! /sobs/

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[a gazillion years later, if still interested - invitation without expectation <3 ]