onlydoubts | open rp post

"This is your night, Bodhi," he replied, and there was a wistful sadness to his voice that he couldn't quite hide. "Not mine."

Regardless, he'd already shed his jacket, folding it up and leaving it on the counter, before undoing his cuff links and then the first few buttons of his shirt.

"So don't worry about me."

The tone of his voice confuses him for reasons he can't understand, but he's not sure how or if he should bring it up - when Poe had already insisted that he was fine. For his own benefit, likely, he wanted Bodhi to have this night without worrying. After the reception, after they've all had their drinks and the edge of celebration would have worn off... he'd have a word with Kay, or Cassian - see if either could offer him an answer and have a word with him about it.

(If he had to guess, though, he'd say it was likely due to Finn's absence, he's not sure if his friend had ever completely gotten past that - isn't that the reason that Bodhi had never expected anything more between them? He shoves the thought away, quickly).

Bodhi smiles then, hand going to Poe's shoulder. "Thank you." And he starts on his own buttons (having left the jacket back on his chair back in the hall).

Poe offered a smile - mostly genuine, only a little pained - and finished with his own buttons. But the quiet intimacy of the moment pulled his rational thoughts away, and before he could stop himself he was brushing Bodhi's hands away and carefully undoing the man's buttons, his own shirt hanging loose and open.

"Anything for you, bud," he whispered, far too honestly.

It was such a simple thing, Poe helping him with his shirt. Raising a brow, Bodhi let his hands fall and allowed him to continue to work on the buttons.

And yet it felt so oddly intimate.

Now that he had gone off and gotten himself married, he would remain close to Poe as always. He'd been a staple part of his life over the last few years. But the closeness they'd shared: sleeping together on the same sofa because Bodhi was too comfortable to get up and go to his bedroom, things like that which had come from sharing the same space for so long.

Small, but perhaps the moments that he treasured the most, those would likely be the things to change. Bodhi was already well into packed to move out, and into a house with Josephine. He swallows thickly, the words sticking in his throat.

"I never thought I'd see this day." A pause. "You know you're stuck with me still, right? Just because I'm all married now doesn't change that you're still my best friend. I wouldn't even be here if not for you." Maybe he'd have met someone on his own. Or maybe not.

"I just... I hope you know that."

His fingers didn't tremble - didn't betray him at all as they slowly and methodically worked through Bodhi's buttons. He couldn't meet his gaze, though, so he was glad for something to focus on, swallowing around the lump that had lodged in his throat.

"Gonna have to change a little, bud," he murmured, the fourth button opening. His hands slipped lower. "I'm not going anywhere--" He needed to clarify, first. Fifth button. "But you've got different priorities now."

The 'I wouldn't even be here if not for you' stung, like his past self had unwittingly sabotaged his own happiness, and Poe couldn't help but look miserable. Sixth button.

"I want you to be happy, Bodhi." Seventh button. "That's all I've ever wanted, for you."

It was hard not to notice the look on Poe's face, or the way he'd been acting all night. There is almost nobody that Bodhi is closer to, in this universe - or even back home.

Not to mention, he's never been subtle when it came to emotions. He lapses into a brief silence as Poe continues to work his buttons.

"Hey." He says, softly. "You're still my best friend, yeah? That's -- that's not negotiable, not gonna change. Yes, I'm married now but it doesn't change that" He swallows. "I know... I know it's been hard for you since Finn left. But I am still here for you."

"This isn't about Finn." The reply is automatic - almost too quick - and then he sighs as he finally unclasps the last button.

"Sorry. Just ignore me, alright? I just - you know when you figure something out but it's completely useless to you? Like, great, if I'd figured this out earlier, I might have actually had a chance to --" he cut himself off, almost wincing. Fucking idiot.

He slid his hands up to push the fabric from Bodhi's shoulders.

"You're right. It's going to be fine."

Okay. That was oddly cryptic. Bodhi's brow furrowed as he looked at Poe, in obvious concern. Confusion. There was something that wasn't computing right, here. Something he didn't understand - or he'd missed. His hands go to Poe's - on his shoulders. Bowing his head slightly to meet his eyes.

Now, he was worried.

"I don't follow. Poe, hey. Whatever it is, you can talk to me."

The touch on his hands might be light, but it feels like he may as well be anchored, unable to move his hands or step back. His heart thumps painfully hard in his chest as a sudden impulse drives into his mind and his spine with relentless force.

Don't you fucking do it, Poe Dameron, he hears himself hiss in his head. Don't you fucking do this to him, not now, not today of all days.

He resisted for a second, maybe two, letting out a shakey breath as he tried to form a reply. But the impulse tore at him from inside, irresistible, and before he could stop himself he was taking that last step closer, warm hands on Bodhi's shoulders as he leaned in and pressed a warm kiss to his lips.

Edited 2018-12-19 12:17 (UTC)

Bodhi watched the flicker of emotions play across Poe's face before he was moving closer to him, the briefest of moments - barely a breath had passed as Poe kissed him.

Shock kept him rooted to the spot, barely able to move or think beyond the cloud that had formed in his brain as Poe kissed him.

Poe kissed him on his wedding day and it made sense. His behavior, over this day. His brain caught up to his body, and he leaned into Poe a little bit before catching himself. But he'd been the one who'd set him up with Josephine, urged him into dating and getting to know her better. Hell, he'd even been the one to plant the idea of a proposal to Bodhi when they'd been together for almost a year.

If he'd known. If he'd known all this time...

"Wait. You never - I thought you - why?"

For the briefest of seconds, Bodhi leaned closer, and Poe almost melted with how right it felt. How much he I wanted this - needed it--

And the Bodhi was pulling away again and the guilt hit him like a punch to the gut, forcing him backwards a step, the colour draining from his face, hands pulling away from Bodhi's shoulders.

"I'm sorry--" He started, miserably, raising his hands like he was being arrested. "I'm a fucking idiot, Bodhi, I'm sorry, I should not have done that--"

"Poe--" Bodhi swallowed, words sticking at the back of his throat. The devastation playing across his friend's face wrapping a fist around his heart and constricting it. Fuck.

"I thought you didn't -- I mean you set me up with someone else. I'd always thought... you didn't feel the same or were hung up on Finn."

He loves Josephine, yes. She's a great woman, kind and compassionate. Fun and funny. But he'd had those same feelings for Poe as long as he could remember. He couldn't even remember when they started.

And now no matter what -- now that it was out in the open, someone's heart gets broken.

He took another step back, hands still raised.

"I didn't figure it out until I was standing there in that suit, and I realised that I'd-- I've been such an idiot this whole time, and I was taking you for gra--" but he stopped dead as Bodhi's words slowly filtered through, including their meaning.

"Wait, what do you-- what do you mean the same?"

Maybe he should've kept his mouth shut. But the truth was out, there was no going back now. He swallows, glances away and catches Poe's confused and stricken face reflected in the glass, his own shirt half done.

He's not sure what to do, now and that's the hard part. The words are out, though, in rushed and hurried tones - before he can stop them.

"I - thought it was obvious. Or I did. But then you set me up with Josie, and I love her, I do - but I still feel this for you and now..." he trails off, briefly. No matter what he does, now. "I don't want to hurt either of you, but it looks like it's a little late for that."

Edited (blep) 2019-01-10 18:36 (UTC)

His heart was hammering way too fast, thudding against his ribs like a maddened, trapped bird.

"It's not your fault." The words don't even filter through his brain - they are just pure, solid, truth. "You've done nothing wrong. I'm the one-- I'm the one hurting myself here, bud, not you." His voice grew a little quieter.

"I'm sorry. I'm an idiot. I wanted you to be happy - that was it, I just wanted you to be happy, and I almost-" He swallowed, his mouth suddenly very dry. "It's my fault. She doesn't need to know. You can - you can go on your honeymoon and just --" But he couldn't get through the whole sentence.

"... I can't lose you," he whispered, pulse pounding in his throat. "I can't hurt her but I can't lose you, Bodhi."

How do I go back?

How does he go back to simply Poe being his friend when these long buried feelings linger between them, so out in the open? The image of Josie, laughing and smiling flashes in his mind, and another one of the three of them, drinking beer and eating pizza at a bar late one night follows it.

Bodhi loves them both, and he doesn't want to hurt anyone. His new wife, or best friend.

"You're not going to lose me, yeah? No matter what, I'm still here for you."

He doesn't blame Poe for his confession coming when it did, or for his feelings to begin with. Not even slightly. Maybe if Bodhi had said something before, but... But he just wishes things could be simple, could be normal.

He'd said he wouldn't lose his friendship, but can he really promise that things would be the same? Can he really act normal or natural about this now? Bodhi swallows the lump in his throat, and looks back at the door where the rest of the party is waiting beyond it for him.

I'm still here for you, Bodhi said, and Poe swallowed thickly.

No, he wasn't. Even if he somehow felt the same -- the whole point was he wasn't there. Not like that. Not in the way Poe so desperately yearned for, without even knowing it, for so long. And here he is, messing things up again.

The best thing to do was to just let Bodhi go. To let him glance back at the hall, to back away, to tell him 'sure, of course' and then to leave as fast as his feet could take him.

But instead was already reaching out against his own will, already sliding a hand to cup Bodhi's jaw, already leaning in to steal another kiss he didn't deserve and shouldn't have.

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